New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
