I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
