I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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