Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
