My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
