A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
