I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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