remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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