he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
