Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You can't special order awesome
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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