ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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