Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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