So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
