He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
BRING THE BAGELS
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
