i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
