Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
