I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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