Define "chronic" masturbator.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
