I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
