I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
