You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
