she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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