i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
