So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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