that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
