Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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