Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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