two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
