How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
