Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
