woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
