Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
