Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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