Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
