you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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