we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
