You smell like a Billy Joel song
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
