i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We are two peas in an std pod
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
