Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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