I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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