Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
