i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
pop tarts are not kleenex
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Sorry my hands just texted you
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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