I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
