That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
