I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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