this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
cat food counts as protein by the way
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
