I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
