all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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