my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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