My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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