Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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