Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
