i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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