i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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