I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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